sucks

I woke up feeling okay, then impulsively began raking the leaves off the front grass and flower bed. I stayed with it for 4 hours, and got a lot done. I was thinking about spring and planting flowers. I told Colin and Nate to finish some, and the rake broke, so I went to the hardware store, and got two more.

Then I ate and then became very tired about 2:30, and feel into a deep weird nap, lots of strange dreams. I woke up at 4:30. John was already home, and Colin and Nate had plans to go to "madhouse". I felt kind of glad that Colin wanted to go. They left to do that. I walked Izzy for awhile working on training her to stop pulling on the leash. Then I watched TV with John.

Colin came home, and said that it was boring. Nate said he had fun. Colin said his friends were having another party tomorrow night, and wanted to know if it was okay to get drunk. I advised him that it was not a good idea. He argued with me, and I told him I did not want to fight with him. All I could do is give him the advice not to do it. I told him if his friends get so drunk that he can't even stand to be there unless he is drunk, then don't go. He has three choices, go and get drunk, go and don't get drunk, or don't go. He became very upset.

Then he came into my office to talk to me. He talked about how depressed he feels, how nothing is fun or interesting to him. I talked to him about depression making him feel that way now but it will get better, and he will see things differently some day. I asked him if he would like to take a trip, and he said yes, and we started talking about what we could do, but he then rapidly changed the topic to me buying him a vaporizer for smoking. The only thing he really wants to do is sit in his room, smoke, and watch TV.

He does not really want to take a trip now. But, I think that I could use one now. However, that would be a bit difficult with the dog. Colin is extremely high maintenance, bores easily and very difficult to entertain. He has no ability to enjoy simple things. He is young, and immature, and sick, too. That makes everything so hard with him. How much of this is him? How much of it is the illness?

I get so side-tracked these days. I start to have ideas on what I could do, would like to do, want to do, but it seems like every time I start to get interested in something, then this stress drains me completely and I don't feel like doing anything again.

I feel like shit now. This is depressing. Depression is catching. I have to fight it all the time.