i know why

If I already know why I feel hurt, and have told someone, and have talked about it, what is the next question?

What do I do with the hurt feelings? Where do I put them? How do I find a way to live with them? How do I stop feeling bad about it?

too much

I am going to visit an old friend in the morning. I hope that helps me. I am really starting to consider what I want to do. I am getting a little better at not spoiling my son...working on it anyway. I have so many questions but feel like I have no one to talk to about most of them. So I struggle and search and try. What is this life all about anyway? It is all a game.

life is life

I feel free to live this life in any way I see fit, and also to live it in ways I do not agree with. I feel free to live, that's all.

symptom

I feel weirdly good about finally realizing that his problem with being stuck on one subject (and he has had this problem for a long time), is a symptom of the illness.

i'm not sure

I'm not sure, but it seems like hunger should be the highest on the list of the government's priorities. Then, next, healthcare for the poor and sick. After that, we can work on the next priorities such as homes and jobs.

hmmm

Ryan will be home tonight. I have hope that having him here, and summer being here, that I will recover some. I feel less depressed lately, probably something to do with warmer weather, and getting some sun. I have also been working hard at keeping busy. I have also been telling myself that this is my life, that I don't want to waste any more of it bogged down in a depressed mood.

Colin is doing somewhat better. I hope he does get better, but I also know I have to keep living my life, too. I don't know for sure, but maybe this is the only one I get.

hope

I want to have hope, and I do have hope that Colin will completely recover from this illness. It is very confusing for me how long the meds. should be continued, if I can trust what the psychiatrist says, if the meds. are toxic for him, and if the meds. will make it less likely for him to recover.

I am scared of giving them to him, and scared of not giving them to him. I don't know what to do at all. There are so many wildly different opinions on this subject. But after what I have been through when Colin was at his worst, I am terrified of that happening again.

What is this illness? Is it a result of trauma, is it a brain chemistry inbalance, is it a reaction to a sick society?

I just want my son to be healthy and happy. I don't care about what kind of job he gets or any of those other so-called measures of success. I just want him to feel peaceful.

sucks

I woke up feeling okay, then impulsively began raking the leaves off the front grass and flower bed. I stayed with it for 4 hours, and got a lot done. I was thinking about spring and planting flowers. I told Colin and Nate to finish some, and the rake broke, so I went to the hardware store, and got two more.

Then I ate and then became very tired about 2:30, and feel into a deep weird nap, lots of strange dreams. I woke up at 4:30. John was already home, and Colin and Nate had plans to go to "madhouse". I felt kind of glad that Colin wanted to go. They left to do that. I walked Izzy for awhile working on training her to stop pulling on the leash. Then I watched TV with John.

Colin came home, and said that it was boring. Nate said he had fun. Colin said his friends were having another party tomorrow night, and wanted to know if it was okay to get drunk. I advised him that it was not a good idea. He argued with me, and I told him I did not want to fight with him. All I could do is give him the advice not to do it. I told him if his friends get so drunk that he can't even stand to be there unless he is drunk, then don't go. He has three choices, go and get drunk, go and don't get drunk, or don't go. He became very upset.

Then he came into my office to talk to me. He talked about how depressed he feels, how nothing is fun or interesting to him. I talked to him about depression making him feel that way now but it will get better, and he will see things differently some day. I asked him if he would like to take a trip, and he said yes, and we started talking about what we could do, but he then rapidly changed the topic to me buying him a vaporizer for smoking. The only thing he really wants to do is sit in his room, smoke, and watch TV.

He does not really want to take a trip now. But, I think that I could use one now. However, that would be a bit difficult with the dog. Colin is extremely high maintenance, bores easily and very difficult to entertain. He has no ability to enjoy simple things. He is young, and immature, and sick, too. That makes everything so hard with him. How much of this is him? How much of it is the illness?

I get so side-tracked these days. I start to have ideas on what I could do, would like to do, want to do, but it seems like every time I start to get interested in something, then this stress drains me completely and I don't feel like doing anything again.

I feel like shit now. This is depressing. Depression is catching. I have to fight it all the time.

psychiatrist

Saw the psychiatrist with Colin yesterday. We liked her. She added a med. for anxiety. I felt down last night just still working on accepting him having an illness. Today I felt better about it. I feel good about being home. That is one good thing at least.

doctor visit

We saw Dr. Crandal today. Colin lost 5 pounds since his last visit. He prescribed trazadone to help with sleeping at night.

a quote

I love this passage:

From "Saving Fish From Drowning" by Amy Tan

"A mother is the one who fills your heart in the first place. She teaches you the nature of happiness: what is the right amount, what is too much, and the kind that makes you want more of what is bad for you. A mother helps her baby flex her first feelings of pleasure. She teaches her when to later exercise restraint, or to take squealing joy in recognizing the fluttering leaves of the gingko tree, to sense a quieter but more profound satisfaction in chancing upon an everlasting pine. A mother enables you to realize that there are different levels of beauty, and therein lie the sources of pleasure, some of which are popular and ordinary, and thus of brief value, and others of which are difficult and rare, and hence worth pursuing."

Anniversary

My wedding anniversary is the 18th. I wish we could take a trip but we can't leave Colin right now. Maybe some day but not yet. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I need to pick psychiatrist next.

Friday the 13th

This morning lived up to it's reputation. Renter's furnace went out. Met the repairman there (after waiting in the drive-way for almost two hours.

Jaron called concerning a big fight he had with his new wife last night, and said that they are going to break up for sure. I thought things were getting a little better, but then they had another big blow-out last night. I am thinking that they may need to separate with all the fighting that has been going on in front of her little boy. If they don't stop fighting like that, it is bad for a child.

On the brighter side, the heater repair was a fairly simple job, costing only the service call price, thank-you. The people buying our house on Dyson on a land contract have decided that the husband will move out instead, and the wife plans to continue with the payments and the deal. That would be better than trying to evict the husband. I am looking forward to getting pizza and watching the next episode of our box set of the Sopranos with my husband this evening. I am hoping for a quiet, relaxing evening.

i feel like shit. I felt so bad tonight for my son. He was saying some very negative stuff about how he feels, and it makes me feel bad for him.

last night

My son was up late. He woke me at 3 am. He described a delusion of getting into music "too much", saying it happens now in a way he never felt before, and he feels compulsive about music, too. I told him that is not that bad as far as delusions goes, certainly not as bad as it was before he started the medication. He suffers from a great deal of anxiety, and feels the need to be alone a lot. I told him those were common symptoms. He would like to change that by "facing his fears". I warned him about putting too much stress on himself thinking he can force away symptoms of an illness, but maybe try a little at a time. We are going to go for a walk today at a park with our new puppy, get some fresh air and exercise. Last night he said he would do that, would like that. We'll see if I can convince him today that it is still a good idea. He may not even remember that idea. His short-term memory is bad sometimes.

do not read this

No one wants to really know what life is like for me right now. My son has schizophrenia and is suffering, and I am taking care of him. And it sucks. So, do not read this.